FOR THE LOVE OF MARRIAGE: A case study of Tiwa Savage.

The title might not exactly do justice to the content of this post but I’ve never really been good with titles so just read on.

Background:
I have a sister whose job is to pry into the lives of celebrities and announce to the world what is happening in the lives of these popular people and since my sister and I live together, she comes into my room, interrupts my peace and makes sure I listen to these gossips whether I like it or not.

When she told me about a certain celebrity’s husband who attempted suicide, I pretended like I was paying attention, you know. But somehow I have had to watch an exclusive interview by this celebrity and have my own opinion to make.

It all started when Tiwa’s husband went on social media to expose his marital issues, he wrote about his wife having sex with other people in the entertainment industry, he implied that he wanted to kill himself and later on, news spread about his rescue from an attempted suicide. I dismissed all that gossip and thought to myself, people get depressed and we need help to manage depression.
I then found out about the interview Tiwa did and I watched it here. It was an emotional interview that made me think again about marriage and after watching the interview, I decided to check out the comments. Trust Nigerians not to disappoint in pulling out the tradition card.

The summary of the whole interview was that the wife (Tiwa) admitted to being the breadwinner of the family, she claimed that her husband has never contributed a dime to the welfare of their son. She also stated that she caught her husband sniffing cocaine and that he kept late nights. She said she had a miscarriage and needed her husband but rather than show care, he was with another woman in a hotel room committing adultery! She said that he stole from her when he was her manager and that this was why she terminated his job as her manager, she accused him of incurring bad debt and having her pay for all his debt even as he claims to be broke. She appreciated the fact that he was a good manager however she said that she could not continue with the marriage cause she has too often worn a smile mask when she really was unhappy. She finally said that she wanted to ensure that her son grew up to be good man.

Here’s my opinion.
Her husband has not done an interview to explain why this whole personal matter escalated to the eye of the public so we can rightfully say no one should judge as whatever judgment that is passed now is going to be based on the testimony of a single side. That is none of my business.
I am not passing any judgment. I am just stating lessons that should be learnt from this matter.
I used to wonder why part of the whole church marriage rites involved marriage counseling. I used to wonder why people attended relationship and marriage seminars until I started listening to the seminars myself.
When a man and a woman make the decision to get married, there are issues they must be expected to have worked on. Most of us grew up in traditional homes where the woman of the house would stay in the marriage even when she was physically abused by her husband. People would advise her, and rightfully so, before marriage not to involve third parties in their marriage. Bear whatever he does, he is your husband. The Bible says marriage is sacred. Pray and pray until your husband changes.

So she prays for years while he beats her, she takes her problems to the lord in prayers while he abuses her emotions. She lives her life for him and suffers in silence assuring herself that he will change  because hurting her means he loves her.
This is the kind of home some children have grown into. When the time comes for them to get married, they continue with that way of life they grew up to know. Daddy hurts mummy, mummy cries, prays and smiles to the whole world. Women are usually on the receiving end of this sort of abuse. This does not say some men are not abused too, I’m just now focused on women.

A lot of people judged this lady for even granting an interview in the first place. I say why should she not grant it? When a man who traditionally is the head of the home decides to be a baby and go all out to get public opinion about his marriage, dragging the name of his wife in the mud for all to see, why should the wife not come out to defend her name? Usually a woman looks up to a man. This is why, I don’t know about others, but I’d typically consider whoever I marry as my big brother and best friend because that’s what I’d think he should be to me. Is this not why people get married? To have someone to hold? To have that one person you can trust and love?
The woman is first a woman before a wife and if the man feels justified getting all emotional and coming out to tell the whole world that his wife is a bitch then by all means, let her redeem her name!

Others said she should not have revealed so much about her marriage.
Did she really reveal much?
Some think she should not leave the marriage because it is a sacred union.
Yes it is a sacred union and really couples should try to work things out because two who decide to get married come from different backgrounds and what makes the relationship more interesting is the work they put into it. Even siblings who grew up in the same household have their fights. I remember recently my sister and I had a heated argument that caused tears to flow but we still live together, play together, shop together and laugh together. We remind ourselves of our fights and we laugh and say ‘I love you sis’ and that’s all. These fights and our ability to resolve them keeps us closer.
This is how I believe marriage is. When two get married, they become siblings and even with the fights, they arrive at a resolution and become closer than before. It is the work that couples put into their relationship to bridge the gap of different backgrounds that prove how much love they have for each other. I believe this is what people mean when they say stay in your marriage. But what happens when you’ve worked and worked and it still happens that you both are like like poles? You repel. This is why you walk away! Leave! When you make a mistake, erase it and start again.

In the end, Tiwa said she had made a mistake and I believe she has the right to say so. We sometimes fall in love with people we cannot live with. Most of us (men and women) have fallen in love with people who did not deserve an ounce of our love and even when they hurt us to the point of breaking up, we still feel that love towards them. It still takes months to get over the fact that the affair you thought would have such a bright future had actually died a premature death. You are angry that your partner failed to be patient with you while you grew; that your partner gave up on you so easily. But later, one has to be grateful that the said partner walked away because it can only get better.
And if, after a long while of being apart, you both attain that level of maturity that should have been there in the first place and you jointly decide to give another shot at having a relationship again, then congratulations!
What I am definitely sure of is this, if you make a mistake and realize you did, you do not have to bear the consequence when you can easily erase the mistake and start again. Someone somewhere is waiting for you. Society’s opinion can only work on a few. So judging Tiwa for choosing to leave her marriage instead of suffering and smiling is unnecessary.

The best advise is to not be in a hurry to get married. Really! Because you just might settle for an unhappy one if you consider that you have passed society’s  standard age for marriage.
May God grant us all happy homes. Selah.

Do you think a couple should separate when they cannot solve their marital issues?

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7 thoughts on “FOR THE LOVE OF MARRIAGE: A case study of Tiwa Savage.

  1. Please how do I get to the owner of this blog please,wanna apologize to her ,am so so so sorry please ,she is very beautiful ,to be honest please ,she should forgive me

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  2. Gud Mawnin Erhime. Nice writeup. But I dnt tink a Couple should seperate when they can’t solve marriage issues. I think dialogue and understanding would always make such issues work out. Separating is not an alternative 2 mi, most especially wen dere is a child involved. Families always look @d possibility of gettin away 4rm marriages n dis make d issues difficult 2 solve. If only dey realise dat it’s beta 4 worse, till death, they would look 4 a way out. Tanx.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good morning Maurice, thank you for your response.
      I do not subscribe to divorce as the go-to solution either but I’ve seen many marriages that should not have been in the first place.
      Do you think it is healthy for a man or woman who is constantly abused psychologically to remain in such a relationship after years of bearing the abuse and trying to make it work?

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  3. Responding to the question on your last paragraph, it’s dependent on a couple of reasons.
    1. Where there is any form of abuse, physical, mental or overly verbal abuse, at least judicial separation must be sought by the victim party. I advocate for ‘judicial separation’ as it’s like the weaker cousin of divorce which leave room for restitution of conjugal rights should a reconciliation come to be at a later date.
    2. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment so I encourage partners to try their possible best to ensure that whatever the differences they may have, they never opt for divorce unless it’s absolutely the last resort and it’s for sake of retention of sanity. This is because friction is normal between 2 different people who for their respective lives pre-the-marriage had always been different. It should normally take years to harmonize things no matter the heightened state of their affections.
    3. Prospective couples should take pre-marriage counselling classes and where necessary post-marriage counseling ones too because time and tide is changing and with the availability of more healthy information on Marriage can really be a game-changer depending on its proper application.
    4. Couples should at courting stage discuss the seemingly mundane things because per available statistics, those seemingly mundane things are directly proportional as causes of divorces much later into the union.

    It’s necessary to state here that your article is well thought and well written and I agree with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. As of the moment, judicial separation isn’t available to marriages conducted in customary ways. It’s a received concept via our received English Law. But divorce is possible even for marriage done only traditionally.

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