RANT- THE THINGS I NEVER SAID (ON FEMINISM AND MARRIAGE)
In a recent discussion, I was quoted as saying a woman can walk out of her marriage if she is not comfortable. I never said so.
The person who quoted me said he drew this conclusion from my post on Tiwa Savage’s marriage. I’ll like to clarify just because I do not feel comfortable when people misquote me and from search terms, I know this blog has shown up on people’s browsers when they looked for answers on their marriages.
I am not an authority when it comes to marriage and its attendant challenges. I am unmarried. I also do not advocate for broken marriages when these unions can actually be worked on. I believe strongly that any two people who decide to go into a relationship should go with the understanding that they have to put in effort to repair it if it gets broken. We live in this age where it is easy to throw away broken stuff without first being curious about how to mend it. It is only those who do not understand what it means to have nothing that are always wasteful. They are the ones who throw toys away and refuse to understand the whole concept of recycling. I believe in recycling. I also believe there are actually things you should dispose of if you have to move on but that before disposing, try to see what good can come out of it if it were mended.
Once I had a talk with a friend of mine about love, relationship and marriage. He told me that if I wanted to get married, I’d have to do away with the ‘feminism thing that you ladies now do’. Now this was funny because he clearly had the wrong conception about my ‘feminism thing’ and probably thought it meant that I was a man-hater. Everything I’ve ever written about marriage and relationship has never been from the standpoint of a man hater. I love men. Most of my friends are men. I learn from them and it hurts that I have to deal with explaining to them that feminism goes beyond marriage.
A girl somewhere will have her breasts ‘ironed’ with a hot object because her mother does not want boys to come after her. A girl somewhere will have sex with an HIV-infected man because this is her rite of passage into womanhood. A girl somewhere will have her clitoris removed with a sharp (usually unsterilized) object because her family does not want her to be promiscous. A girl somewhere will be married off to an old man before she is 13 because the man wants to marry a virgin. A 12 year old girl child somewhere is giving birth to a child. A little girl somewhere is suffering from VVF. A woman somewhere is bearing physical abuse from her husband. A woman somewhere will suffer emotional abuse because she has not given birth to a boy for her husband. A lady somewhere believes she can amount to nothing without a man.
These girls/ladies think they have no other choice. Culture and society determine how they live their lives. These are the ones my feminism speaks for. I do not support hurry into marriage just because society says a girl should be married at a certain age.
I believe that women are helpers to their men and not slaves. Women are nurturers. They are instinctively caring and loving. Love a woman and see whether I am lying. Every woman who knows that she can dream and not be seen as inferior, will bring the best in her man. Why compare a woman to Michelle Obama when you cannot be a Barrack Obama? When you let your lady fly, be rest assured you won’t be left behind.
But then I seem to speak for myself and a few others because most of the women we fight for have decided to settle with the mindset that they can be nothing without a man.
On marriage, I do not support leaving just for the fun of it. Marriage is a personal decision. Who is to say I won’t tolerate a whole lot of crap from my man? Even I have been in a relationship where I knew from the onset that he was cheating yet I stayed and wept only to myself. This is what love does. Sadly, we are blinded in the name of love and we cannot be blamed. But love won’t save a woman from dying when she tolerates so much beating from her partner. Though emotionally strong, every human has a breaking point.
It is your personal decision whether you decide to walk out of your marriage because your partner cheated on you once or twice. I am not married and would probably not understand what it feels like. The one I’d go an extra mile to make sure women understand is to leave a partner who physically/emotionally abuses her over a long period of time. We all deserve to be loved and someone out there is going to love you even more.
I hope this explains enough.
A woman will do anything and everything to make her relationship work. That’s why she almost never regrets it when it is time to walk -Dr Farrah Gray
Side Note: My team and I are currently working with young ladies in rural areas in Nigeria. We are teaching them to understand the innate powers they possess as ladies and how they can use it to help their partners. Most of my girls are married young mothers and are going through different forms of training to help them be self-dependent. So far, there has been progress and I’m using my blog as a medium to reach organisations that are willing to partner with us. You can send a mail to rehd76atyahoodotcom (firstname.lastname@example.org). I’ll be happy to provide more information.
I love you all.