I will probably not find closure if I continue to hold back what I have always wanted to say to you. Tonight, I think of you as I read a tribute from the girl you said was your sister. It still feels like a movie when I recall her telling me, at your funeral, that you were not her brother but her boyfriend. Silly you! You are a lucky bastard. I would kill you myself if you were not already dead.
I wrote many pages of notes after your demise, regretting why I did not let myself fall in love with you earlier. I wrote stuff like…
I cannot sleep. I think I am losing my mind but then you understand that I am crazy. Stubborn, like you love to call me. You love my stubbornness any way. Right now, I wish I believed you from the onset. Had to wait till you left me forever, forever Dee. It hurts.”
I wrote and kept the notes in a special folder made just for you. I wept in the middle of important meetings because I somehow blamed myself for your death. Perhaps, I should be thankful that I got a hold of my emotions and went ahead to attend that very important meeting which I had already made up my mind to miss because I wanted to spend the Saturday at yours, to feel your belongings again, wear your sweater and weep.
“Remember when we first met? You in that black-embroidered red dansiki. I did think you looked funny when I was paired with you to do introductions during that business seminar.
You told me that I looked geeky. Me with my jeans, shoes and Tee, carrying a backpack and wearing geeky glasses. I laughed and told you that you looked good and when you said you were a lawyer, I sighed. I know too many lawyers already, I feel like one, I said to you and we laughed. That night when we went to get fish barbecue because you were bored and I looked hungry according to your observation. Of course I love fish!
You sent a text message a few days later asking whether I was interested in lunch. You said you just wanted me to eat especially as I had admitted that I had no time to. I said I wanted amala at Iya Oyo’s or Amala republic. We ate amala and ewedu at Iya Oyo’s. You were a good friend, too good to be true, the man I always prayed for yet was afraid of when I met him.
How could a nice man who cared so much about a young girl not be taken by a lady? I refused to believe any of that nonsense. One year after a heartbreak and I thought I was ready for another yet another came and I was too afraid to give in so I told those who cared to listen that I was still single even when you introduced me to anyone who cared as your girlfriend. You never trust these ones. My closest friends knew nothing about you. How do I nurse myself to healing, Dee?
I want to scream, Dee but the strong woman in me says you will return. some emotions we cannot control. four months, we never had the chance.
Our last phonecall was only a few days ago. If I get this money, I will go and see your father and marry you and it will do you like film trick. Be there forming that you are not ready for marriage.
I laughed and quietly hoped you would get the money, I imagined what our wedding hashtag would be and I asked you. I could go selfish, you know? Take the first two letters of my name and the name I call you to form #aidee. #aidee2017 or I could take the last three letters of my name plus your name and form #Deedee2017. Tj would be shocked. Where did you find husband when you have been doing as if you do not have boyfriend? hahaha. Dee, I do miss you. just return. Please return my call.
Silly guy, you should call you know? today is Ola’s wedding and there is plenty gist for you.”
I wrote these when I should have been with my friends. I stayed up all night weeping for a love I wish lasted longer. I do not regret loving you within the short while, I am grateful for the rules we set and obeyed before you left, I am happy that I shared genuine laughter with someone but I am angry that you lied, you betrayed genuine emotions.
I miss you though, not with tears in my eyes, but I do miss you. I hope you get to read this one like you read every post on the blog with me when you were in town. I am singing our favourite Kanye-featured song ‘Made in America’.
Rest well dude, I miss you and I am angry with you but we shall settle scores when we meet which will not be anytime soon. I have forgiven you too. You be fine, stay well, say hi to Jesus for me.
“Sweet king Martin, sweet queen Coretta
Sweet brother Malcolm, sweet queen Betty
Sweet Mother Mary, sweet father Joseph
Sweet Jesus, we made it in America
Sweet baby Jesus, oh sweet baby Jesus”.