How to be a real Nigerian man 

My friend John is a real man. The other day, he slapped Funke his wife for daring to put too much salt in his porridge. Can’t blame him, like why would she even make such a silly mistake and claim she was tired after a long day at work? Was she not the one who complained that she would rather work when John told her to stay home and be a full-time housewife? Now this?

I always said it, women should not be sent to school to study because it seems when they go ehn, their eyes will just open vaaam and they will be doing anyhow.

One day like that, John my friend wanted to enter Keke in Nyanya, chai that man has suffered in the hands of women. True talk! You won’t believe a woman told him to close his legs because he just spread them wide like a true African man. Imagine the look on his face when she complained that he was occupying too much space with his legs. Ha! John was annoyed. Remaining small, he would have reset her brain with a slap so hard, she would go to heaven and return. The stupid woman was even arguing with him, speaking big big English as if he did not go to school too. If not for the driver who begged him, he would have dealt with that woman.

One time, John was traveling to Lagos from Abuja. Remaining him to complete the car and he did not want the only vacant seat available so he told the agbero to tell one of the ladies who had waited in the park for over an hour for him, to shift to the centre which was the vacant seat, because as a man, he should not be in the centre of two women. That was how the small girl started to para o! “Ehn, so does being a man make him more special? He should enter another car na because me I will not shift.” John waited o, but she just refused to shift to the centre until he agreed to sit there just because of God ni o. It is because she went to school too much that she has the mind to talk like that to a man, a whole man fa! Girls like that can never get married. Who will even marry them sef? They will just turn their husband to woman wrapper. Thank God for his own girlfriend, that one has plenty respect because when you tell her to do something, she does not ask questions which is how his wife used to be until the evil spirit of feminism entered her and she started to feel she can talk back at him when he talks to her. Nonsense and rubbish!

Oh and that one time he touched a fine girl in the market. Small touch and she was already talking big English – “are you mad? Why touch me?” On top the fact that he was just appreciating her beauty fa. Instead of her to be happy that a man touched her. Wait first, is she even a virgin? With that short dress she was wearing, was she not inviting a man to touch her? She looked so much like one girl like that, hmm, that girl with smooth skin who wore shorts to Viewhill estate. You should have seen the shorts. Who wears stuff like that? So he called her. “Sister, sister” and she looked at him like he was shit.

The audacity! That was how he followed her. It’s her fault, she should never have worn those shorts because his penis suddenly cane alive and needed to let go of some load. If you see how her buttocks bounced up and down, left and right, your penis would come alive too.

Anyway, John sha had her time. She always came into the estate by 6pm and left around 7pm because she had a one-hour job there so after some days of watching her, he followed the rude girl and was catcalling her as usual hoping she would answer so that he would not touch her. It is called ‘benefit of doubt’ but this girl refused to even answer his call and so he ran up to her and showed her his knife when she was leaving the estate. Last last, he raped her in the bush. Who born her to shout or report? Who will she tell? Who will even believe her with those short short clothes she wears? Nonsense! At least she has now been taught a lesson.

I have said it before and I will say it again, girls should understand that they are not equal to men. Left to me, I will not even let any girl go to school because it is only God that knows what they are learning there. You will marry, you will be expecting your husband to join in ding housechores as if that is not your duty. Let them not go to universities, mba modern day parents will even send the girl to go and do PhD so that she will be dragging shoulder with men.

What they see is what they get and me, I shall not shut up.



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