Tag Archives: Depression

On heartbreaks and suicide

There is news going round about a fifteen year old girl who committed suicide because she was heartbroken from a failed romantic relationship with a boy. Along with the condolence comments are comments about how stupid she was to have even thought of killing herself. I am hoping that someone will read this and see things from another angle rather than judge her for taking her own life. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by on October 14, 2017 in LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP, RANDOM THOUGHTS


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The reality is, no one really has the time to sit and listen every time. Everyone is on a journey to self fulfilment and therefore, hates to be drawn back by the constant ‘nagging’ of another.

“We are on different journeys”, we say, ” and we wish you the best in finding your path but we have dreams too, and we cannot wait for you.  Be brave, be strong, you’re not the only one, we’ve been there too but you don’t find us complaining everyday. Where’s your positivity?”

This is the reality. There are friends and there are doctors and there is you.

We can’t always be there but we can understand its existence and learn that not everyone can handle it like we do and it’s fine. 

We have our lives too and we understand you. We won’t judge you when you go to see a doctor but we do not promise to always be there when you need to spill the content of your mind because humanity is moving and our selfish selves do not want to be left  behind. We also have learned to manage ours.

We are aware that you exist and when we can, we shall help but after the social media trend, we return to our lives and leave you to yours, therefore don’t count on us because while we define ‘busy’ in our way, someone’s definition of ‘busy’ is ‘listening to you’. 

Don’t be afraid to be friends with that person. Don’t be afraid to LIVE.

I wrote this sometime ago when a successful suicide got Nigerians talking about depression. Subsequent interviews with a few people proved the above write-up really is how people feel about depressed people. We say, ‘talk to us, we will listen’ and when they do decide to talk, we are busy living. No one really is to be blamed and though everyone needs someone, we must understand that human want are insatiable. 

This is for the man or woman who wonders why people are so selfish, this is for me who has found a voice in her pen, paper and mirror. Insensitive as it may sound, I hope someone understands where it comes from.

Meanwhile I’d like to wish a faithful subscriber, Mr Fash, a happy birthday today. God bless you.

I love you all.


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Posted by on April 11, 2017 in RANDOM THOUGHTS


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I recently stumbled on news about a 14 year old girl who committed suicide and streamed the whole process on Facebook live. Shortly after reading the news, I went ahead to do a little research on the girl and on a few others who also live-streamed their suicides. 

What I find disturbing is how people leave insensitive comments encouraging a suicidal person to go ahead. The girl whose news I first read apparently had a mother who, while watching her daughter on Facebook live, left a comment to tell her that life goes on and that the teenager was simply crying wolf. A mother! 

This week, I have heard about too many suicides that were encouraged by friends of the depressed person. 

How depression is a farce to many still baffles me. People get depressed and no one is really above it.

A former friend of mine once told me that depression is not real and that people who claim to be going through it are annoying attention-seekers. This from a very literate man. Seeing as he was someone I used to like a lot, I subconsciously assumed I was an attention seeker when some thoughts hit me. As such, I would not seek help anywhere but would cry my eyes out.

I’ve grown, I have learned. 

I recently put up a post on my Facebook page about how my teenage assistant was going through a confused phase in her life and how it occurred to me that my response could be what would make or break her.

There is a ‘movement’ of sorts on social media called ‘#iammentallyaware’ (@mentallyawareng). I suggest you go through their social media pages. There you’ll see, from testimonies of people, that depression respects no one. Perhaps the older we get, the easier we can deal with it but I may be wrong. 

Not everyone is strong enough to fight this thing. For years, I never smiled because I thought my teeth were too big; I never went braless because I thought my breasts were too small; I never let my hair down because I thought it was too full. It was a few days ago, when Olu and Otigs were helping me in the kitchen and discussing insecurities, that I realized I once felt insecure about my teeth, breasts and hair. There I was, in the kitchen wearing a spaghetti strapped top without my bra, laughing heartily with two beautiful men who had just complimented my culinary skills and my natural hair. I told them about how I once was in a relationship where he would constantly remind me that he liked big breasts and that my insecurity disappeared gradually when a friend whispered in my ear one day in church while pastor was preaching about insecurity, ‘see did I not tell you not to worry about your breasts?’ 

There used to be days when I would be angry with my father for not trying harder and with my mother for not being like some others. If they had tried harder, I would not be thinking about my bills when I was eighteen, I would not be carrying so many responsibilities at twenty-five, I would not be worried about food or rent or clothes, I would not lack if only try tried harder. With these thoughts came accusations, ‘perhaps this is why I can’t keep a man, there is something wrong with me’ and I would cry, write and cry. My last real breakup broke me into all shades of suicidal. 

That was years ago. These days, I have learned to let people go who want to go; to spend time building myself rather than crying over the past. 

Not everyone can deal with it the way I do. Remember I said I was suicidal? I also used to be extremely impulsive. What if I did something dangerous on impulse because I could not control my feelings? Indeed I could not control how I felt. I impulsively packed my bag around 3pm and got on the bus to Portharcourt. I arrived Port Harcourt at 12am.

Not everyone has someone to talk to, many feel no one will understand and the truth is, no one may truly understand the emotion. 

But if you feel the urge to encourage a suicidal person to go ahead and kill himself, I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself and walk away rather than add to an already existing pain.

What they need is love and if you don’t have it to give, please look the other way. 

I love you all.



Posted by on March 15, 2017 in EDUCATION, RANDOM THOUGHTS


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The Forward Life

Few minutes ago, I was anxiously waiting in a boardroom to present a business proposal to members who would decide whether or not I would get the funding I need. To kill the anxiety a little bit, I responded to chats with a friend who used to be more. I said to him, 

Aidee: I’ll be 25 on Saturday:|

Friend: Happy birthday love

Aidee: I’m still 24.

Friend: You 25 in a few days time

Aidee: I really want to be 22.

Friend: “Life is forward”;)

Aidee: 😂😂 bullseye.

Bullseye because he had previously asked me to be his wife to which I responded “We can’t be together as lovers. Life is forward. Can’t hold on to the past…I thought we were over this talk and understood where we both stood.” 

Now I’m laughing at how my words were thrown back at me to remind me that life is indeed forward and that growth is bound to happen. My thought pattern at 24 has greatly improved compared to when I was 22 and so there really is no need to be afraid of being 25 because experiences gathered in the past years have led me to this point where I can comfortably talk with decision makers and so I came up with this reminder: as long as my eyes are set on my goals and I do not allow minor distractions to take my eyes off, as long as I do not compare the life I now live with the life some other more achieved lady lives, as long as I stay happy with myself, love my body and understand how to take care of me, as long as I continue to leave great marks in places I go to, as long as I learn to live for myself and hold on to my faith… then life will continue to be forward and better as age increases. 

This note is for me and for any other who feels that life is happening too fast. 


Posted by on October 31, 2016 in RANDOM THOUGHTS


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Hello strong lady, 

I call you strong lady because you’ve probably heard it a thousand times from people. We are strong women who take pride in our strength. We because I am you. 

Our strength is not just buried in our vaginas, we command so much respect because we know what it feels like to live in a world where the fittest survives and our drive to succeed takes us to places we have imagined we’d be. 

Being a strong girl is tough work. It is tough to keep up with. People expect you to behave a certain way and though it comes with a sort of respect because the strong girl does not follow norms, it also comes with a feeling of loneliness. No one likes to feel helpless. 

Reflecting on the conversation I had earlier today with my good friend, Tarfa, I realized that the attraction people have for the strong girls usually leads to fear and this fear,though good at times, is unhealthy. 

I met a total of 21 strangers in the last three days who told me the same thing over again. They would commend me for a job well done, they would say I am a strong girl, a rare breed lady who actually believes she can work to make a living. They would compare me with girls who are lazy,who think their bodies are their only means of survival and I’d laugh, because these girls also work. We just have different definitions of work. It’s easy for them, you see and sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to have someone take care of me, who would spoil me just a little bit. Strong girls feel it the most. All that attention and for what? Business, money.

There are times when the strong girl wants more than a quickie, more than ringing some random guy to come give her his penis for a day, more than return home late at night to an empty kitchen because she has no time to cook and no one to notice that all she has eaten in three days is a burger. True, being able to compete in a world where the fittest survive is a thing of pride, being able to treat yourself to a weekend of pleasure brings a level of satisfaction and it’s scary how people see the strength from afar but never realize that we sometimes get depressed. 

Failure is a dangerous thing. This is probably why we fight always, against failure. But failure happens sometimes and the world does not think you can fail. The little boy I teach has learned to say everyday that the downfall of a man is not the end of his life. I teach him this everyday and I teach him that a man can actually fall, what matters is that he dusts himself and rises up again. I teach him this because I want him to understand that people still fail and so he should never see anyone as perfect. 

Us strong ladies are seen as perfect. Our love is perfect, our hate is perfect, our silence and laughter are perfect and we live our seemingly perfect life praying that someone sees, understands and respects our imperfection. 

Tarfa told me today that I am a strong lady who at 24 has achieved a lot. I said to him, I have not achieved a lot and I am not satisfied. I get depressed and sad sometimes but people never see it because I hide it behind a smile, keep up appearances because no one will believe that you are crying. 

Yesterday, I cried. I cried after I was stopped at the traffic light, I cried when I drove my sleek red corolla to a five star hotel, I cried when I felt the urge to cry, with the car windows wound up and when the traffic light turned red, I cried and when cars hooted, I parked the car and cried so hard, I cried because I wanted to cry, because there’s so much to say and no one trustworthy enough to say it to but a God I believe exists so I cried and prayed and even as I type this, I’m watching a band sing songs and I’m crying. These tears are not of sadness.

Sometimes, our challenges are overwhelming and its sad that we can only imagine how life would be if all we had to do was dream and have someone else provide the resources to see these dreams become a reality. 

Here’s where I find satisfaction, that in dreaming, we can get anywhere; that in fighting, life’s stones feel like softball; that in loving, it never gets boring; that in giving, we never lack; that in living, death is a joke.


Posted by on October 22, 2016 in RANDOM THOUGHTS


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